Saturday, June 23, 2012

A Week of Emotions

So starting since last Saturday, almost every date meant something significant to me which brought up A LOT of emotions! There were a lot of things I kept thinking about. I am thankful that this past week is over because from here on out, I had nothing else scheduled for Orville, except of course my due date which I know will be hard. Here's how the last week has boiled down.

Saturday June 16 - at 10 am this morning, we were supposed to have our 3D/4D gender ultrasound up at Baby's Bungalow. We would see our baby moving all around and have the ultrasound tech put the baby's gender in an envelope which we would take directly to the baker, at Dragonfly baking who did our wedding cakes, to make cupcakes for our gender reveal party. Thankfully, I kept mostly busy today hanging out with Brandy. However that evening, Baby's Bungalow posted their albums from the day. I love seeing those albums, the pictures are truly amazing, however, we should've had an album today and that stung, hard.

Sunday June 17 - Father's Day. I had started thinking a few months ago what I should get Casey for Father's Day. I never know what to get him. I finally found something I wanted to get the Daddy-to-be. I hadn't ordered it yet because I knew I had time. Well, I never ordered it because I didn't want to get him something he cannot use (at least not yet), so I'm saving that gift for another time. Instead I got him a card and frame in the shape of a house that holds 3 photos and has a little father saying. I'll post the picture, it's very cute, I included an ultrasound picture of Orville in the frame. I still think it's a lame gift compared to what I was going to get him. But, it was much harder for me than I thought it would be, he was supposed to be an expecting Father this day, but he no longer was and this made me very sad for him. Thankfully, it was again a busy day, we went to a Father's Day brunch and had a picnic at our house.

Monday June 18 - this evening was supposed to be our big gender reveal party at the Hotel to find out the sex of our baby with our close friends and family. This was obviously going to be a very big day for us that was stripped right out of our hands. Today was also 4 weeks since we found out that Orville no longer had a heartbeat at that awful ultrasound. Today was probably the most emotional for me. But, it was an uneventful Monday thankfully! And the best part about my day was that my memorial bracelet came in the mail today that I posted about last week. It is awesome, I just love to look down at it and think of my baby.

Tuesday June 19 - YES! There were no emotional triggers today! 

Wednesday June 20 - Today is exactly 4 weeks since I had the D&C. I can't believe it's already been 4 weeks. In some ways, it feels like just yesterday. In other ways, it feels like it was so long ago that we experienced that heart break. Two weeks ago, when I met with Dr. Osula for my post-op, he told me that it would probably be another 2 weeks until we heard back on if they found anything from the tissue they tested. So I gave it until like 2 pm and broke down and called the doctors office. I left a message asking for someone to call me back, even if there was no one called me back. 

Thursday June 21 - Today is exactly 1 month since we found out the dreadful news of Orville having no heartbeat. Today I also would have been 17 weeks along. Every Thursday is a bit of a trigger because that was the day that I always hit a new week in the pregnancy. I have a feeling that Thursdays will always mean something to me until the end of November. It's just one of those "I would have been..." things, makes me sad that I am no longer...Thursday's are great though because we go to the Hotel for dinner :-) Oh and I called the doctors office again this morning and spoke with a different receptionist, I again left a message asking for someone to call me back, so I knew what was going on...again no one called me back.

Friday June 22 - There weren't any trigger dates for today but I called the doctors office again, for the 3rd day in a row. This time I knew the receptionist knew I was pissed. After what I just went through, I deserve a phone call back from someone, even if it's just to say they don't have anything yet. She apologized that Wednesday when she took my message she went home sick and wasn't able to speak with the doctor and that she promised she would have someone call me back if it wasn't herself. My phone rang around noon time with a call from the doctors office. Finally someone was calling me back. Dr. Osula called me back to tell me that the report came back inconclusive, crap, I was afraid of that. I knew that the chances of that were high because there was so little fetal tissue, but it still stung a little. I was hoping for maybe an answer but sometimes things are better left to the unknown. I strongly believe in my heart that Orville was a boy, so I will go on believing that. We will never know why his little heart stopped beating, but not everything can have an answer, so I understand that. I didn't NEED to know the why, I just wanted to know the why and know that we did what we could do, which we did. I think just knowing (or not knowing) now can help us move forward. No more waiting on that.

Saturday June 23 - I know the day has just begun, but it's exactly 1 month since I had the D&C and Orville's recorded birth/death date. There hasn't been a day that I haven't thought about Orville. But, I'm in a place where I am moving forward, and looking forward to it. I know that everything happens for a reason. I may not know the reason right now, but hopefully when I have a baby in my arms, maybe I can understand a little bit more why my baby was taken from me after we tried for so very long. Right now I'm still in that place wondering why me, why us, why Orville? But, it will all work out in the end. We WILL be parents, I just know it! I've heard so many success stories after miscarriages, and I am determined that we WILL be one of those success stories! I have my emotional moments but I think that's normal, I mean I do have a heart! Anyways, today is going to be a good day! I'm getting ready to go get a birthday pedicure and lunch with Mary and I'm going to call about getting my memorial tattoo, I think now is the time for that. :-) 

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