Saturday, June 30, 2012


‎"These are my footprints, so perfect and so small. These tiny footprints never touched the ground at all. Not one tiny footprint, for now I have wings. These tiny footprints were meant for other things. You will hear my tiny footprints, in the patter of the rain. Gentle drops like angel's tears, of joy and not from pain. You will see my tiny footprints, in each butterflies' lazy dance. I'll let you know I'm with you, if you just give me the chance. You will see my tiny footprints, in the rustle of the leaves. I will whisper names into the wind, and call each one that grieves. Most of all, these tiny footprints, are found on Mummy and Daddy's hearts. 'Cause even though I'm gone now, We'll never truly part. <3"

Saturday, June 23, 2012

A Week of Emotions

So starting since last Saturday, almost every date meant something significant to me which brought up A LOT of emotions! There were a lot of things I kept thinking about. I am thankful that this past week is over because from here on out, I had nothing else scheduled for Orville, except of course my due date which I know will be hard. Here's how the last week has boiled down.

Saturday June 16 - at 10 am this morning, we were supposed to have our 3D/4D gender ultrasound up at Baby's Bungalow. We would see our baby moving all around and have the ultrasound tech put the baby's gender in an envelope which we would take directly to the baker, at Dragonfly baking who did our wedding cakes, to make cupcakes for our gender reveal party. Thankfully, I kept mostly busy today hanging out with Brandy. However that evening, Baby's Bungalow posted their albums from the day. I love seeing those albums, the pictures are truly amazing, however, we should've had an album today and that stung, hard.

Sunday June 17 - Father's Day. I had started thinking a few months ago what I should get Casey for Father's Day. I never know what to get him. I finally found something I wanted to get the Daddy-to-be. I hadn't ordered it yet because I knew I had time. Well, I never ordered it because I didn't want to get him something he cannot use (at least not yet), so I'm saving that gift for another time. Instead I got him a card and frame in the shape of a house that holds 3 photos and has a little father saying. I'll post the picture, it's very cute, I included an ultrasound picture of Orville in the frame. I still think it's a lame gift compared to what I was going to get him. But, it was much harder for me than I thought it would be, he was supposed to be an expecting Father this day, but he no longer was and this made me very sad for him. Thankfully, it was again a busy day, we went to a Father's Day brunch and had a picnic at our house.

Monday June 18 - this evening was supposed to be our big gender reveal party at the Hotel to find out the sex of our baby with our close friends and family. This was obviously going to be a very big day for us that was stripped right out of our hands. Today was also 4 weeks since we found out that Orville no longer had a heartbeat at that awful ultrasound. Today was probably the most emotional for me. But, it was an uneventful Monday thankfully! And the best part about my day was that my memorial bracelet came in the mail today that I posted about last week. It is awesome, I just love to look down at it and think of my baby.

Tuesday June 19 - YES! There were no emotional triggers today! 

Wednesday June 20 - Today is exactly 4 weeks since I had the D&C. I can't believe it's already been 4 weeks. In some ways, it feels like just yesterday. In other ways, it feels like it was so long ago that we experienced that heart break. Two weeks ago, when I met with Dr. Osula for my post-op, he told me that it would probably be another 2 weeks until we heard back on if they found anything from the tissue they tested. So I gave it until like 2 pm and broke down and called the doctors office. I left a message asking for someone to call me back, even if there was no one called me back. 

Thursday June 21 - Today is exactly 1 month since we found out the dreadful news of Orville having no heartbeat. Today I also would have been 17 weeks along. Every Thursday is a bit of a trigger because that was the day that I always hit a new week in the pregnancy. I have a feeling that Thursdays will always mean something to me until the end of November. It's just one of those "I would have been..." things, makes me sad that I am no longer...Thursday's are great though because we go to the Hotel for dinner :-) Oh and I called the doctors office again this morning and spoke with a different receptionist, I again left a message asking for someone to call me back, so I knew what was going on...again no one called me back.

Friday June 22 - There weren't any trigger dates for today but I called the doctors office again, for the 3rd day in a row. This time I knew the receptionist knew I was pissed. After what I just went through, I deserve a phone call back from someone, even if it's just to say they don't have anything yet. She apologized that Wednesday when she took my message she went home sick and wasn't able to speak with the doctor and that she promised she would have someone call me back if it wasn't herself. My phone rang around noon time with a call from the doctors office. Finally someone was calling me back. Dr. Osula called me back to tell me that the report came back inconclusive, crap, I was afraid of that. I knew that the chances of that were high because there was so little fetal tissue, but it still stung a little. I was hoping for maybe an answer but sometimes things are better left to the unknown. I strongly believe in my heart that Orville was a boy, so I will go on believing that. We will never know why his little heart stopped beating, but not everything can have an answer, so I understand that. I didn't NEED to know the why, I just wanted to know the why and know that we did what we could do, which we did. I think just knowing (or not knowing) now can help us move forward. No more waiting on that.

Saturday June 23 - I know the day has just begun, but it's exactly 1 month since I had the D&C and Orville's recorded birth/death date. There hasn't been a day that I haven't thought about Orville. But, I'm in a place where I am moving forward, and looking forward to it. I know that everything happens for a reason. I may not know the reason right now, but hopefully when I have a baby in my arms, maybe I can understand a little bit more why my baby was taken from me after we tried for so very long. Right now I'm still in that place wondering why me, why us, why Orville? But, it will all work out in the end. We WILL be parents, I just know it! I've heard so many success stories after miscarriages, and I am determined that we WILL be one of those success stories! I have my emotional moments but I think that's normal, I mean I do have a heart! Anyways, today is going to be a good day! I'm getting ready to go get a birthday pedicure and lunch with Mary and I'm going to call about getting my memorial tattoo, I think now is the time for that. :-) 

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Dear Mom and Dad

Dear Mom and Dad:

I wish I could have said “good-bye”. It sometimes seems unfair that I never even was able to say “hello”. I am OK now; everything is better. I miss you and always will, but I believe we will be together again, in time, for all time. Right now though, that seems like an eternity. In time, it will be for eternity.

Please, remember me, use my name, tell my family and your friends about me. Never forget me or pretend I didn’t exist.

Thanks for all you did for me. Mom, thanks for putting up with the changes in your body; thanks for everything you shared with me. Thanks for talking to me; I know your hopes and dreams for me. Thanks for the songs you sang, and for those gentle pats you gave me while I floated inside. You may not realize, but the rhythmic contracting of your heart helped me rest peacefully and reassured me. As I grew, I could feel your heart beating better and better, and it gave me such a wonderful sense of comfort.

Thanks for the tears you shed for me. I know you did everything you could for me and I am fortunate to have you for my Mother. I am sorry for the pain and sadness you have suffered.

Dad, thanks for being there for Mom and me, It must have been so hard for you, trying to be strong and brave for Mom when you were confused, upset and afraid yourself. I will miss growing up with you, wrestling, being tossed in the air, just sitting on your lap learning how to use the TV remote control. Please don’t ever forget about me. I will not forget you.

If there is something I have learned, it is that you will not find the answer to the “why” of this, not now anyway. God did not make this happen, but He will help you live, love and laugh again. Sometimes that can seem very difficult when you hurt and so badly want answers.

I want you to live today; be happy. Bring laughter back into the house. Dare to dream again. You know so much better than many that life is often too short, too unpredictable. Tomorrow is never guaranteed.

I would rather this all be a very bad nightmare, but I can do nothing to change that now. However, you can make something good out of my death if you use it as an opportunity to love each other a little more, and reach out. There are so many hurting people out there who need a hand, or a hug or a “hello” or just someone to listen. Don’t be afraid to admit you may be one of them. Be gentle with each other.

On a still, clear night, look for me, out there in the peace and quiet. Look up, not by the Big Dipper or the Milky Way, but over there in the corner of the sky. See that small, twinkling star you never noticed before?

One more thing before I go, thanks a lot for everything you did for me. Thanks for caring and sharing. Thanks for trying and for crying. I love you, lots. And Mom and Dad, “good-bye”, “good-bye for just a little while longer”.

Love you,
Your Angel Baby

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

For my wonderful husband

This is for Casey <3 I love you with all my heart!

What Makes a Mother

In scrolling through one of the pregnancy and loss groups that I'm on on Facebook, I saw this poem posted by another user. It was so touching, and it made me cry. I wanted to share it on my blog.

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say.
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.'

But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can, He replied
With confidence in His voice
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this, God
I want my baby here
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say:
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.

My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are ok
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Remembrance bracelet

I cannot wait to receive my remembrance bracelet for Orville <3

Love my baby <3

So true! Love and miss my Orville so much <3

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Quick Rant

I just wanted to post a quick rant. I hate when I'm scrolling through Facebook posts and read someone complaining about something relating to their pregnancy. Whether its about their morning sickness, how uncomfortable they're feeling, having to do the damn glucose test, or what-have-you. I would love to have any of that right now except my miracle baby that was conceived via IVF after nearly 20 months of trying is looking down at us from heaven. People need to be more grateful for what they have and embrace the shitty feelings because they get to hold a baby at the end of all that. Some people need to put themselves in other peoples shoes. I know they don't think much about posting stuff like that, but it still annoys me because I wish I had those "problems." Rant over.

Saturday, June 2, 2012