Wednesday, May 23, 2012

The heartache

I'm gonna start out on a good note. I know not everyone "follows" my blog unless I share a post on Facebook. But I've basically had a picture blog going since I got pregnant, feel free to look at it, it makes me smile, there are pictures of me, pictures of Orville's ultrasounds, pictures of Orville stuff, even a video of Orville's heartbeat. I hadn't written much because I was keeping a personal journal at home through the "What to Expect..." journal, so I basically didn't want to share twice. Maybe someday I'll transfer that journal to here. My last entry was today, which was also the last day of my 3rd month. I felt that time was moving so slowly, but 3 months did actually move very fast. I was so happy being pregnant. I haven't been that happy in a long time. Infertility really takes a lot out of a person, and it took a lot out of me, I was back to my old self being pregnant. Everyone thinks I'm so strong, but believe me, I have a lot of "moments," I had a lot of them prior to getting pregnant, I had some at the beginning of the pregnancy and I've had a lot of them in the last 48 hours...since we found out Orville was no longer living.

So, I'll start with "what happened." My doctors at Buffalo IVF gave me an estimated due date of November 29th, I thought my due date would be December 1 or 2 based on Ovulation. With IVF, they don't have a LMP (last menstrual period) date to go by, so they go around the ovulation date instead. They went off the day I took the Ovidrel (ovulation shot), I went by the day I had the egg retrieval (2 days later which would have been when I was ovulating). Anyways, we had an ultrasound on Monday April 30 to see our little Orville, it was the first time we saw limbs, this was so exciting!! I was 9w4d and baby measured around 8w5d, 6 days off, but really I thought only a couple days off based on my own estimate. It can be very common for the baby to measure up to a week or so plus/minus the due date, because they are all estimates. That's pretty much what everything is based on, is estimates. So, no big deal. Baby looks great, moving around, everything!!

Approximately 2 weeks later on Tuesday May 15 (11w5d), we heard the heartbeat for the first time. It was the most wonderful feeling hearing Orville's heart, so much different than just seeing, made it so much more real. It was beating strong at 144 BPM. I didn't know the doctor would listen for the heartbeat, so Casey went to work. I felt so bad that Casey wasn't there, so I recorded it for him. That night, we used our doppler for the first time and after lots of playing around with it, we heard the little heartbeat for a few seconds.

Fast forward 6 days later. On Monday May 21 (12w4d), I had my NT scan at Mercy hospital. My appointment was for 4 pm, but we were supposed to be there a little early to do paperwork. Our drive started out rough, everyone was driving like jackasses! We got to the exit and missed it because the GPS was so confusing, so we took the next exit. We finally got to the hospital and had to find parking, which wasn't all that fun! But, we made it into the office at about 4 pm. After the appointment we were going to go maternity clothes shopping because my clothes are getting way too snug, especially my pants, the belly band is really coming in handy! Anyways, I filled out some paperwork, was asked a million questions and had to get my finger pricked (Oww!) as part of the screening. They want to see how much of the baby's blood is in my blood and it goes with the results of the scan part of the screen. I even told the lady how we were going to do a 3D ultrasound on June 16 for a gender scan and then find out the gender at our gender reveal party on June 18. Anyways, a few minutes more waiting and we get called back to an ultrasound room. It was cool, they even had a big screen up on the wall to watch the ultrasound, I was so excited to see the baby again!

Now, it starts to turn a little bit into a blur, it's hard for me to recall this moment again, but here I am doing it, so others can read my story, so Orville can share "his" story, and so again, my future children know what happened. I crawl up on the table to prepare to see Orville. She even starts asking me about this fancy 3D ultrasound I'll be having in a few weeks and we decide if she can tell the gender to not tell us. She's putting the gel on my tummy and we're chatting, Casey's watching the TV, waiting for Orville to show up. She puts the transducer on my stomach and starts the scan. She's looking and looking, she's zooming in and out. I know what a 12w ultrasound should look like, and I'm not seeing what I think I should be seeing. She starts saying, "oh no," "oh no," "oh hunny," baby is not measuring what it should be. I could see this, all I was seeing was a still little blob :-( She tells me how Baby is only measuring 9w5d and isn't moving like it should be. She's looking for a heartbeat, nothing...nothing is there, no heartbeat. We're so confused, we just heard the heartbeat 6 days ago! She's trying, trying as hard as she can for me, but she cannot find the heartbeat. I'm instantly devastated. She calls the doctor in. He comes in, does the scan, searching and again finds nothing. I had that hope that maybe she was wrong and the doctor would find it, but nothing. Orville no longer had a heartbeat :-( We then made the very long, silent hour drive home to Fredonia. I lost my baby sometime within the last 6 days, but why? Why me? Why us? Why Orville? I'm in a lot of pain, I feel numb, I feel anger. I can't even look down at my belly, I had to cover it up with a sweater on the way home. I feel so much sadness, more sadness than I've ever experienced. I love this baby so much, I never got to hold it, it was barely bigger than an inch long, but I love it so much. After everything we've gone through, all the pain and heartache, why is this happening to us? I don't want to talk to anybody, thankfully people respected that (I thank you all for that)...I'm having a hard time right now, so I'm gonna come back a little later to finish, see ya next paragraph when I'm back...

Okay, I'm back (not that you missed me or even know I was gone for about 3 hours) I have THE BEST husband in the entire world. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I can't physically do it at this point. So, being the brave one he is, he made the phone calls, the dreaded phone calls that I'm sure he didn't want to make nor anyone wanted to hear, but they needed to be done. He even went out and picked me up an Arby's chicken salad wrap for dinner, he was happy I was able to eat. I cried, and cried, and cried pretty much on and off all evening. Dr. Osula called me after receiving the results from the hospital, telling me how sorry he was. He told me to call back Tuesday morning to schedule the D&C. It was a very hard night for me. I kept thinking about the phone calls I had to make, cancel the gender ultrasound, cancel the gender reveal party, call Buffalo IVF. How 2012 was suddenly going to be so much different, not being pregnant on my 26th birthday, no baby shower, no more ultrasounds, not having "that moment" of finding out Orville's gender, no more heartbeats, no "baby's first Christmas." In a matter of minutes, everything seemed to be turned upside down. I was so sad and angry when I got home, I put everything I had for Orville away in the nursery, and closed the door. I packed up the tripod and camera that we'd been using for belly pictures. I put the What to Expect books, journal and baby book away. It's too hard to see it right now. I forgot to mention in all this, I have a really annoying cold where I am completely stuffed crying with a stuffy nose makes it even worse. I woke up crying during the night, asking God why? I just don't get it.

Tuesday morning, I obviously stayed home from work, I mean, who wouldn't? I don't want to see or talk to anybody right now. I called Dr. Osula's office first thing in the morning, and got my D&C scheduled for this morning (Wednesday) at 7:30 am. So I pretty much hung out, watched TV, and cried most of the day. We received our first bouquet of flowers which made me cry, but they are so beautiful. I saw an Orville's commercial and broke down. This is going to be hard. I heard a song that made me cry. Anything and everything is reminding me of Orville <3. The Orville who is still in my tummy, but no longer living, and nothing I can do to bring "him" back! Throughout the pregnancy, I have been on Facebook groups for expectant Mom's, they were all of course so supportive and recommended some loss groups to me. I'm now a member of a couple different loss groups and an IVF group, it truly is amazing how much support is out there. I reached out to some of my Buffalo IVF friends, and they have been great. I've been able to text a little bit more but still haven't made a phone call. So it was a long day, I couldn't believe the news I had just received yesterday, I didn't have one sign that Orville was no longer living, my body did not know that my baby was gone, I am still in complete shock. I started a memory box for Orville, I need this keepsake for "him." It will be nice to look in the box. I plan to get the belly pictures developed and put in there as well. "He" was the biggest part of our lives since we got our BFP (Big Fat Positive) 2 months ago and I will always have the stuff to look at, and hopefully make me smile. I went to bed, and surprisingly passed out and slept almost all night (which I never do, I don't think I've ever slept through the night in my whole life!)

We woke up at 5:15 this morning, got ready and went down the road to the hospital. I was okay when we got up this morning. I needed yesterday, yesterday really helped me a lot. The nurse I had at the hospital was the sweetest thing in the world, that really helped! It was hard when she started asking us questions for the fetal death certificate (I didn't even know there was such a thing so early). She never asked a name though :-( When I was being wheeled back to the prep room, it started getting more real. It got harder and harder the closer it got to surgery. I cannot believe this is actually happening, they are physically removing Orville from my womb. I woke up from surgery crying, I physically felt fine, I was emotionally so sad knowing that Orville was officially gone. We asked for the tissue to be tested for chromosomal issues which will in turn tell us the sex. I hope there's enough tissue for the testing, we will know soon enough. I was released from the hospital just after 9 am. I'm thankful the surgery went as well as it was expected. Emotionally was another story, I was now going home with a "pregnant" belly, an empty heart and no baby :-( It's really hard for me having this belly and knowing Orville is no longer in there. We dropped off my 3 prescriptions at Rite Aid and came home. Casey had the day off from work so he was home all day. I never expected this with him being so new to his job, but it worked out. I just hung out most of the day, caught up on some shows, didn't do a whole lot. I was supposed to take it easy today from the surgery. I physically have felt fine all day, which I am very thankful for. We received more flower bouquets which are beautiful, a very heart touching card, and many texts and messages asking me how I'm doing, and checking in on me. I started texting with more people today, I still haven't talked to anyone, I will take each day at a time. There's nothing easy to say or hear in this situation, the wound is very fresh and this is working for step at a time, one day at a time...

So here I am finishing up this post so I can share my experience with the world. We found out just over 2 days ago that Orville no longer had a heartbeat, and I was/am crushed. We will however move forward. Everything happens for a reason right? Orville was simply too beautiful for this world and is loved so much in Heaven and we will never forget our Orville. Here's my last little thought. Orville only did about 1 weeks worth of growing in 3 weeks time. I think that "his" growing was slowing more and more everyday. I do believe that Orville was holding on as long as possible so I could hear "his" heartbeat. I always talked about wanting so badly to hear it and when we did, it was amazing! It was breathtaking, it was the most beautiful thing. I think Orville was holding on for us. I believe "he" loved us and was showing us that by allowing us to hear "his" heartbeat before he passed, I will be forever grateful for being able to hear that strong, beating heart <3 "An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And whispered as she closed the book 'too beautiful for earth'" - Thanks for sending me this Lisa, I love this so much!

I'll end with a quote a dear IF friend sent me "I never held you, but I feel you. You never spoke, but I hear you. I never knew you, but I love you." So very, very true. Check out the poem I posted a few days ago that another dear IF friend send me, really pulls at the heart strings. Please also look at the beautiful flowers I've received, I've posted everything in my blog. Thank you all for your continuous love, prayers and support. They are greatly needed and appreciated. <3 A big thank you especially to my wonderful husband, Casey. I LOVE YOU sooo much, thank you for always being there for me <3


  1. You and Casey are very special people and you will have your special day with your future baby.

  2. oh my gosh ang,that post made me cry so much! i cant even believe that this had to happen to you! why why out of all people this had to happen to you!i want u to know how much i love you and casey!

  3. I'm friends with Cindy. My heart goes out to you both. Sooo sad. They say things like this make us strong, but somehow, that's hard to believe at times. It's apparent that you and Casey were the best parents in the world, and your baby loved you very much. Knowing you did everything right will hopefully comfort you. "He is not gone, he's just away." You will be re-united in time. God bless you both. You're in my prayers.

  4. oh my god, I'm reading through your posts in chronological order. I don't even know you but I'm crying as I read. I am so so so sorry for your loss.