The Official Start of my IVF Cycle

Ahhhh the time has come, it's the OFFICIAL start of my upcoming IVF cycle. What starts the cycle, you ask? Birth control pills!! Hahaha, so funny, right? Did you know that a typical IVF cycle is 6 weeks?! Gosh that feels like such a long time haha, I kind of just want to fast forward ahead to February! LOL. No, it's all worth it of course :D So I started my pack of birth control pills tonight and have received my official calendar.

The course of events is as follows:
12/27 -- Start birth control pills
1/1 -- Call insurance to activate IVF coverage
1/2 -- Mock transfer
1/12 -- Start Lupron (1st injectible medicine)
1/16 -- Last active birth control pill
1/19 -- Baseline blood work and ultrasound
1/23 -- Start the injectible medicine to stimulate my ovaries to grow follices (Follistim)
1/26 -- Blood work to check estradiol levels
Week of 1/26 -- more blood work & ultrasounds
Week of 2/2 -- more blood work & ultrasounds; then when my follicles are the appropriate size we will stimulate ovulation (ovidrel) then have the egg retrieval!
5-7 days after egg retrieval is the embryo transfer -- the plan is to transfer 2 embryos
Then we WAIT! AHHHH!!!

I'm really excited but I'm also super nervous as well. We've never had many great embryos in the past so this makes me nervous, all it takes is one though (Hello, Mr Hank <3)!! So hoping for more embryos this time, would even be nice to have some to freeze. IVF is a very emotional process, so I'm not really looking forward to that. And last time I didn't have a toddler running around keeping me busy too so I'm sure I'm going to be extra tired. I always make sure to schedule the earliest appointments so I can get back to work so I don't have to use any time. So that means leaving my house around 6 am (yuck!). So that'll be hectic with daycare and what not too. Normally I take Hank to daycare at 8 am, but Casey will have to take him before he goes to work on days that I have monitoring up in Buffalo, so he'll have to go at probably 7:15 am to give Casey time to get to work. So I think we'll all be tired for that couple of weeks there! Keeping the end goal in sight will definitely help us all! I am so excited to hopefully give Hank a little brother or sister!! :D Keep us in your thoughts & prayers please over the next 2 months, we will really appreciate it!!

The Beginning All Over Again

Well I figured that blogging helped me so much the first two times I did IVF that I might as well do it again, I still look back on those posts or reference them or send them to people that need help or have questions. It's like a personal journal for me that I'll forever have, so I've decided why not. I'm writing this for me. I have a hard time remembering things. I probably should've done this for Hank's first year, oops! :/

Okay, sooooooo here's the dealio! Casey & I have wanted another baby for a long time. We love Hank so much we want him to have a sibling, he plays sooooo good with other kids, it's amazing! He's seriously going to be the best big brother. We decided, let's not wait around and at least TRY on our own because what does it hurt. Well 15 months later, and still nothing. It's funny after going through all the infertility procedures I went through and only ever getting pregnant via IVF that I would even have any hoping of getting pregnant naturally. But it's there, and I cannot help it. Getting AF month after month sucks!! It was regular for awhile which was nice, thought maybe my body was kicking itself into gear, then I'd be late, get hopeful (OMG I'm pregnant), then NOPE, hello AF! You son-of-a-bitch! I hate YOU!! Anyways......

We've been on Casey's health insurance for a year now (they don't cover IVF) and I knew they didn't. We decided to go on his insurance to get a bit of a monetary break and since I was nursing, I didn't want the thought of doing IVF jeopardize that. So we knew we could not do IVF while on Casey's insurance. Guess what?! I'll be going back on my insurance as of January 1, so we can do IVF again.

I setup a meeting with Dr. Sullivan up at Buffalo IVF a few weeks ago. It was a family outing for us. He got to visit with Hank, we got to see our favorites up there & they got to see how much Hank has grown and see one of their miracle babies! We love visiting them! They're like a family to us. We went there for 2.5 years before they released us! Anyways, Dr. Sullivan decided we know what worked to get us Hank, so let's do that again! Yay! :D

So we're in the EARLY stages of preparing my body for IVF. I know the next 5 weeks are going to fly by, so I'm very thankful for that. First, Dr. Sullivan started me on metformin again, ahh my old nemesis. I was on metformin for YEARS. It's given to women with PCOS to help regulate your cycles essentially. Metformin is known to TEAR UP my stomach (and most women's stomachs who take it). So they have you ease into the drug. Start taking it very slowly. I took it with dinner on a Friday night and it was within 30 minutes that my body was like WTF!!! Ugh, great, this again!! Thankfully, as I've been increase the prescription and up to the full dose now it's really not too bad. I have to make sure I take it on a full stomach in the mornings, or I feel like I'm going to puke, learned that lesson a couple weeks ago. And taking it right before bed after I've eaten dinner works for the night time dose. I have to be careful what I eat specifically around taking it, which is a good thing. Sometimes during the day too, that's more of a guessing game. Good excuse not to carb-load or eat greasy! Which I shouldn't be doing any ways! Haha!

Next step was to wait for AF, theoretically she shouldn't arrived around November 10th, of course not though haha. Buffalo wanted me to call up on November 17th either way, so I called, the nurse says give it one more week (since we aren't in any rush here). So after more than 2 weeks late, it arrived with a VENGEANCE on November 23rd. So I got blood work this morning, November 24th, down at Brooks. Had 7 vials of blood taken and had the best phlebotomist thank goodness!! I love when they actually listen to me when I tell them I need a butterfly needle because it was painless!!

So now the next step is waiting to hear back from Buffalo IVF about how the labs look and when I'll start the birth control. This part always makes me laugh. Going on birth control before doing IVF, doesn't that sound like an oxymoron? We need to do this so we can get my body "normal" and this way we can control when to do certain things. So I'll be on that until sometime in January.

Next things we have to do are: blood work for Casey and a sperm-analysis, which I know he's greatly looking forward to both of these haha!! Then WAIT for the NEW YEAR!!!!!! Ahhh I'm so excited!! I seriously cannot wait to give Hank a sibling :D

Oh one more thing to add, in the myst of all of this, I've had to wean Hank. I know, I know, we went WAY longer than anticipated, expected, etc. and he's only been nursing 1x/day for months, but I really loved those few minutes in the morning with him before he started tearing ass around the house haha!! I decided the last time I would nurse Hank would be his 18 month birthday (mean Mommy haha), I truly treasured that last time, more so even because I knew (or planned) it would be the last time. I just changed up the morning routine and he never once asked for it. And I'm so excited that I never even felt a thing either! I'm telling you, THAT is the way to wean!! So thankful I didn't have to go through that pain! :D

Sooooooo, that is what is going on :D So stay tuned!!

A Week of Emotions

So starting since last Saturday, almost every date meant something significant to me which brought up A LOT of emotions! There were a lot of things I kept thinking about. I am thankful that this past week is over because from here on out, I had nothing else scheduled for Orville, except of course my due date which I know will be hard. Here's how the last week has boiled down.


Saturday June 16 - at 10 am this morning, we were supposed to have our 3D/4D gender ultrasound up at Baby's Bungalow. We would see our baby moving all around and have the ultrasound tech put the baby's gender in an envelope which we would take directly to the baker, at Dragonfly baking who did our wedding cakes, to make cupcakes for our gender reveal party. Thankfully, I kept mostly busy today hanging out with Brandy. However that evening, Baby's Bungalow posted their albums from the day. I love seeing those albums, the pictures are truly amazing, however, we should've had an album today and that stung, hard.


Sunday June 17 - Father's Day. I had started thinking a few months ago what I should get Casey for Father's Day. I never know what to get him. I finally found something I wanted to get the Daddy-to-be. I hadn't ordered it yet because I knew I had time. Well, I never ordered it because I didn't want to get him something he cannot use (at least not yet), so I'm saving that gift for another time. Instead I got him a card and frame in the shape of a house that holds 3 photos and has a little father saying. I'll post the picture, it's very cute, I included an ultrasound picture of Orville in the frame. I still think it's a lame gift compared to what I was going to get him. But, it was much harder for me than I thought it would be, he was supposed to be an expecting Father this day, but he no longer was and this made me very sad for him. Thankfully, it was again a busy day, we went to a Father's Day brunch and had a picnic at our house.


Monday June 18 - this evening was supposed to be our big gender reveal party at the Hotel to find out the sex of our baby with our close friends and family. This was obviously going to be a very big day for us that was stripped right out of our hands. Today was also 4 weeks since we found out that Orville no longer had a heartbeat at that awful ultrasound. Today was probably the most emotional for me. But, it was an uneventful Monday thankfully! And the best part about my day was that my memorial bracelet came in the mail today that I posted about last week. It is awesome, I just love to look down at it and think of my baby.


Tuesday June 19 - YES! There were no emotional triggers today! 


Wednesday June 20 - Today is exactly 4 weeks since I had the D&C. I can't believe it's already been 4 weeks. In some ways, it feels like just yesterday. In other ways, it feels like it was so long ago that we experienced that heart break. Two weeks ago, when I met with Dr. Osula for my post-op, he told me that it would probably be another 2 weeks until we heard back on if they found anything from the tissue they tested. So I gave it until like 2 pm and broke down and called the doctors office. I left a message asking for someone to call me back, even if there was no news...no one called me back. 


Thursday June 21 - Today is exactly 1 month since we found out the dreadful news of Orville having no heartbeat. Today I also would have been 17 weeks along. Every Thursday is a bit of a trigger because that was the day that I always hit a new week in the pregnancy. I have a feeling that Thursdays will always mean something to me until the end of November. It's just one of those "I would have been..." things, makes me sad that I am no longer...Thursday's are great though because we go to the Hotel for dinner :-) Oh and I called the doctors office again this morning and spoke with a different receptionist, I again left a message asking for someone to call me back, so I knew what was going on...again no one called me back.


Friday June 22 - There weren't any trigger dates for today but I called the doctors office again, for the 3rd day in a row. This time I knew the receptionist knew I was pissed. After what I just went through, I deserve a phone call back from someone, even if it's just to say they don't have anything yet. She apologized that Wednesday when she took my message she went home sick and wasn't able to speak with the doctor and that she promised she would have someone call me back if it wasn't herself. My phone rang around noon time with a call from the doctors office. Finally someone was calling me back. Dr. Osula called me back to tell me that the report came back inconclusive, crap, I was afraid of that. I knew that the chances of that were high because there was so little fetal tissue, but it still stung a little. I was hoping for maybe an answer but sometimes things are better left to the unknown. I strongly believe in my heart that Orville was a boy, so I will go on believing that. We will never know why his little heart stopped beating, but not everything can have an answer, so I understand that. I didn't NEED to know the why, I just wanted to know the why and know that we did what we could do, which we did. I think just knowing (or not knowing) now can help us move forward. No more waiting on that.


Saturday June 23 - I know the day has just begun, but it's exactly 1 month since I had the D&C and Orville's recorded birth/death date. There hasn't been a day that I haven't thought about Orville. But, I'm in a place where I am moving forward, and looking forward to it. I know that everything happens for a reason. I may not know the reason right now, but hopefully when I have a baby in my arms, maybe I can understand a little bit more why my baby was taken from me after we tried for so very long. Right now I'm still in that place wondering why me, why us, why Orville? But, it will all work out in the end. We WILL be parents, I just know it! I've heard so many success stories after miscarriages, and I am determined that we WILL be one of those success stories! I have my emotional moments but I think that's normal, I mean I do have a heart! Anyways, today is going to be a good day! I'm getting ready to go get a birthday pedicure and lunch with Mary and I'm going to call about getting my memorial tattoo, I think now is the time for that. :-) 

For my wonderful husband

This is for Casey <3 I love you with all my heart!

What Makes a Mother

In scrolling through one of the pregnancy and loss groups that I'm on on Facebook, I saw this poem posted by another user. It was so touching, and it made me cry. I wanted to share it on my blog.

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say.
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.'

But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can, He replied
With confidence in His voice
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this, God
I want my baby here
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say:
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.

My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are ok
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Orville's Heartbeat

Got to hear Orville's heartbeat for the first time today, beating away at 144 BPM <3 11w5d :-)