National Infertility Awareness Week

In browsing through one of my Facebook groups this evening, I came across a poem posted by a wonderful infertility friend, Candace from Our Misconception Blog. In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week April 21-27, I wanted to share this. It's not to talk down to anyone that didn't go through infertility treatments but to recognize those of us who have. And now that I am less than 3 weeks from our due date, I thought this was perfect. Thank you for reading.


There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,

but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

~anonymous

Remembering Orville Guest Post

There's this amazing couple, Candace & Chris that write a blog called Our Misconception. They've been struggling with infertility for far too long! I've gotten to know Candace through an IVF group on Facebook. She had 3 guest authors this week for Pregnancy & infant awareness loss month. I got the opportunity to write a post for her blog. I used the post I wrote the day of my D&C when I lost Orville. I cut it down as much as I could and she posted it yesterday. I've gotten such amazing feedback on the post and I'm sure she got a lot of page views from it. It's a very raw, truthful post. I know many of my followers read the original post, but if you'd like to read the version I edited for my guest post, I'd love for you to check it out here: Remember Orville. I especially love the picture she chose for the post. Thanks again for all the love and support <3

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness

In October 1988, President Ronald Reagan proclaimed October as national pregnancy & infant loss awareness month. October 15 is a day where grieving parents can come together. A "wave of light" is done at 7 pm to remember our angels by lighting a candle. Tonight at 7 pm both Casey & I each lit a candle to remember Orville who we'll always love & miss. I am also going to be a guest blogger on a friends blog sometime in the next 2 weeks talking about the loss. The post is basically a repeat post with some editing. It was definitely emotional reading through the post and bringing up those emotions. I will share as soon as the post is up! Lastly, I broke 20,000 views on my blog! Woohoo never imagined having such an impact on others!! Thank you to everyone who reads my posts. Below are the candles we lit tonight. RIP Orville <3

Drum Roll Please!!

On September 10, I got the most amazing phone call...I'm pregnant!! I had 3 blood draws on Monday, Wednesday & Friday of that week & my numbers rose beautifully!! They more than doubled every 48 hours. I had my first ultrasound on Tuesday September 18 where we got to see 1 beautiful gestational sac, a clear yolk sac & a tiny little baby!! It's such a good feeling seeing that. My 2nd ultrasound was today September 27. We got to see Baby Astry's heartbeat for the first time! It was moving all over the place, even more of an amazing feeling. The heartbeat measured at 122 bests per minute which is great!! We are ecstatic! I am 6w6d, so 7 weeks pregnant tomorrow! I've been meaning to update my blog but am finally getting to it after our great news today!! I'll start uploading pictures from the last few weeks as well. Below the top ultrasound pictures is from today and the bottom one is the one from last Tuesday. Thanks again to everyone for all of their support, thoughts & prayers, they are all greatly appreciated!!

Understanding

This picture was on an infertility page on Facebook and I loved it. This isn't meant to be mean by any means. All words I hear from people are truly appreciated. However, no one truly understands unless you've been through it. For me, it's infertility, trying to conceive, and miscarriage. This can apply to others as well in any of their situations. I just really loved this and thought I'd share :) Thank you to everyone for all their thoughts and prayers throughout this whole process. They are appreciated so much :)

Thinking about Orville

I've been thinking about Orville a lot lately & came across this and really loved it.

Move on?

July 15, 2012

I forgot I wanted to make a post on here on Sunday and I forgot. I updated my Facebook, but since not everyone is on there, I wanted to share my status:


"Exactly 2 years ago today, Casey & I decided we would start a family. Little did we know we'd be here 24 months later childless after driving thousands of miles back & forth to buffalo, spending (idk how much) $, injecting myself with countless amounts of drugs, having prolly close to 100 ultrasounds & more bloodwork drawn than most have in their life, going under anesthesia 3 times, having many procedures & having an angel baby! Wow it's been a tough 2 years but we will prevail & have the child we deserve! I have the best husband for sticking by my side & being my rock thru thick & thin! ♥" 


Two years or 24 months is a long time - I've known people who have gotten pregnant and had 2 children during this time period! I never would've guessed that on July 15, 2010, it would have come to what it is today. No one could've prepared me for everything I would go through. Most people really have no idea what is involved with infertility. All the appointments, all the drugs, all the "poking and proding," it's just crazy. I put on 100 miles each trip I take to Buffalo, and I couldn't tell you how many appointments I've had up there. Each "easy" cycle was at least 5 times, my previous IVF cycle was at least 10 times. Crazy. Not much else I can say but crazy! Anyways, I'm hoping this is nearing the end of trying for our child. I really hope our next IVF cycle gets a happy, healthy baby in our arms. <3

An Angel Never Dies

Footprints

‎"These are my footprints, so perfect and so small. These tiny footprints never touched the ground at all. Not one tiny footprint, for now I have wings. These tiny footprints were meant for other things. You will hear my tiny footprints, in the patter of the rain. Gentle drops like angel's tears, of joy and not from pain. You will see my tiny footprints, in each butterflies' lazy dance. I'll let you know I'm with you, if you just give me the chance. You will see my tiny footprints, in the rustle of the leaves. I will whisper names into the wind, and call each one that grieves. Most of all, these tiny footprints, are found on Mummy and Daddy's hearts. 'Cause even though I'm gone now, We'll never truly part. <3"

A Week of Emotions

So starting since last Saturday, almost every date meant something significant to me which brought up A LOT of emotions! There were a lot of things I kept thinking about. I am thankful that this past week is over because from here on out, I had nothing else scheduled for Orville, except of course my due date which I know will be hard. Here's how the last week has boiled down.


Saturday June 16 - at 10 am this morning, we were supposed to have our 3D/4D gender ultrasound up at Baby's Bungalow. We would see our baby moving all around and have the ultrasound tech put the baby's gender in an envelope which we would take directly to the baker, at Dragonfly baking who did our wedding cakes, to make cupcakes for our gender reveal party. Thankfully, I kept mostly busy today hanging out with Brandy. However that evening, Baby's Bungalow posted their albums from the day. I love seeing those albums, the pictures are truly amazing, however, we should've had an album today and that stung, hard.


Sunday June 17 - Father's Day. I had started thinking a few months ago what I should get Casey for Father's Day. I never know what to get him. I finally found something I wanted to get the Daddy-to-be. I hadn't ordered it yet because I knew I had time. Well, I never ordered it because I didn't want to get him something he cannot use (at least not yet), so I'm saving that gift for another time. Instead I got him a card and frame in the shape of a house that holds 3 photos and has a little father saying. I'll post the picture, it's very cute, I included an ultrasound picture of Orville in the frame. I still think it's a lame gift compared to what I was going to get him. But, it was much harder for me than I thought it would be, he was supposed to be an expecting Father this day, but he no longer was and this made me very sad for him. Thankfully, it was again a busy day, we went to a Father's Day brunch and had a picnic at our house.


Monday June 18 - this evening was supposed to be our big gender reveal party at the Hotel to find out the sex of our baby with our close friends and family. This was obviously going to be a very big day for us that was stripped right out of our hands. Today was also 4 weeks since we found out that Orville no longer had a heartbeat at that awful ultrasound. Today was probably the most emotional for me. But, it was an uneventful Monday thankfully! And the best part about my day was that my memorial bracelet came in the mail today that I posted about last week. It is awesome, I just love to look down at it and think of my baby.


Tuesday June 19 - YES! There were no emotional triggers today! 


Wednesday June 20 - Today is exactly 4 weeks since I had the D&C. I can't believe it's already been 4 weeks. In some ways, it feels like just yesterday. In other ways, it feels like it was so long ago that we experienced that heart break. Two weeks ago, when I met with Dr. Osula for my post-op, he told me that it would probably be another 2 weeks until we heard back on if they found anything from the tissue they tested. So I gave it until like 2 pm and broke down and called the doctors office. I left a message asking for someone to call me back, even if there was no news...no one called me back. 


Thursday June 21 - Today is exactly 1 month since we found out the dreadful news of Orville having no heartbeat. Today I also would have been 17 weeks along. Every Thursday is a bit of a trigger because that was the day that I always hit a new week in the pregnancy. I have a feeling that Thursdays will always mean something to me until the end of November. It's just one of those "I would have been..." things, makes me sad that I am no longer...Thursday's are great though because we go to the Hotel for dinner :-) Oh and I called the doctors office again this morning and spoke with a different receptionist, I again left a message asking for someone to call me back, so I knew what was going on...again no one called me back.


Friday June 22 - There weren't any trigger dates for today but I called the doctors office again, for the 3rd day in a row. This time I knew the receptionist knew I was pissed. After what I just went through, I deserve a phone call back from someone, even if it's just to say they don't have anything yet. She apologized that Wednesday when she took my message she went home sick and wasn't able to speak with the doctor and that she promised she would have someone call me back if it wasn't herself. My phone rang around noon time with a call from the doctors office. Finally someone was calling me back. Dr. Osula called me back to tell me that the report came back inconclusive, crap, I was afraid of that. I knew that the chances of that were high because there was so little fetal tissue, but it still stung a little. I was hoping for maybe an answer but sometimes things are better left to the unknown. I strongly believe in my heart that Orville was a boy, so I will go on believing that. We will never know why his little heart stopped beating, but not everything can have an answer, so I understand that. I didn't NEED to know the why, I just wanted to know the why and know that we did what we could do, which we did. I think just knowing (or not knowing) now can help us move forward. No more waiting on that.


Saturday June 23 - I know the day has just begun, but it's exactly 1 month since I had the D&C and Orville's recorded birth/death date. There hasn't been a day that I haven't thought about Orville. But, I'm in a place where I am moving forward, and looking forward to it. I know that everything happens for a reason. I may not know the reason right now, but hopefully when I have a baby in my arms, maybe I can understand a little bit more why my baby was taken from me after we tried for so very long. Right now I'm still in that place wondering why me, why us, why Orville? But, it will all work out in the end. We WILL be parents, I just know it! I've heard so many success stories after miscarriages, and I am determined that we WILL be one of those success stories! I have my emotional moments but I think that's normal, I mean I do have a heart! Anyways, today is going to be a good day! I'm getting ready to go get a birthday pedicure and lunch with Mary and I'm going to call about getting my memorial tattoo, I think now is the time for that. :-) 

Dear Mom and Dad

Dear Mom and Dad:

I wish I could have said “good-bye”. It sometimes seems unfair that I never even was able to say “hello”. I am OK now; everything is better. I miss you and always will, but I believe we will be together again, in time, for all time. Right now though, that seems like an eternity. In time, it will be for eternity.

Please, remember me, use my name, tell my family and your friends about me. Never forget me or pretend I didn’t exist.

Thanks for all you did for me. Mom, thanks for putting up with the changes in your body; thanks for everything you shared with me. Thanks for talking to me; I know your hopes and dreams for me. Thanks for the songs you sang, and for those gentle pats you gave me while I floated inside. You may not realize, but the rhythmic contracting of your heart helped me rest peacefully and reassured me. As I grew, I could feel your heart beating better and better, and it gave me such a wonderful sense of comfort.

Thanks for the tears you shed for me. I know you did everything you could for me and I am fortunate to have you for my Mother. I am sorry for the pain and sadness you have suffered.

Dad, thanks for being there for Mom and me, It must have been so hard for you, trying to be strong and brave for Mom when you were confused, upset and afraid yourself. I will miss growing up with you, wrestling, being tossed in the air, just sitting on your lap learning how to use the TV remote control. Please don’t ever forget about me. I will not forget you.

If there is something I have learned, it is that you will not find the answer to the “why” of this, not now anyway. God did not make this happen, but He will help you live, love and laugh again. Sometimes that can seem very difficult when you hurt and so badly want answers.

I want you to live today; be happy. Bring laughter back into the house. Dare to dream again. You know so much better than many that life is often too short, too unpredictable. Tomorrow is never guaranteed.

I would rather this all be a very bad nightmare, but I can do nothing to change that now. However, you can make something good out of my death if you use it as an opportunity to love each other a little more, and reach out. There are so many hurting people out there who need a hand, or a hug or a “hello” or just someone to listen. Don’t be afraid to admit you may be one of them. Be gentle with each other.

On a still, clear night, look for me, out there in the peace and quiet. Look up, not by the Big Dipper or the Milky Way, but over there in the corner of the sky. See that small, twinkling star you never noticed before?

One more thing before I go, thanks a lot for everything you did for me. Thanks for caring and sharing. Thanks for trying and for crying. I love you, lots. And Mom and Dad, “good-bye”, “good-bye for just a little while longer”.

Love you,
Your Angel Baby

For my wonderful husband

This is for Casey <3 I love you with all my heart!

What Makes a Mother

In scrolling through one of the pregnancy and loss groups that I'm on on Facebook, I saw this poem posted by another user. It was so touching, and it made me cry. I wanted to share it on my blog.

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say.
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.'

But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can, He replied
With confidence in His voice
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this, God
I want my baby here
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say:
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.

My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are ok
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Quick Rant

I just wanted to post a quick rant. I hate when I'm scrolling through Facebook posts and read someone complaining about something relating to their pregnancy. Whether its about their morning sickness, how uncomfortable they're feeling, having to do the damn glucose test, or what-have-you. I would love to have any of that right now except my miracle baby that was conceived via IVF after nearly 20 months of trying is looking down at us from heaven. People need to be more grateful for what they have and embrace the shitty feelings because they get to hold a baby at the end of all that. Some people need to put themselves in other peoples shoes. I know they don't think much about posting stuff like that, but it still annoys me because I wish I had those "problems." Rant over.

The heartache

I'm gonna start out on a good note. I know not everyone "follows" my blog unless I share a post on Facebook. But I've basically had a picture blog going since I got pregnant, feel free to look at it, it makes me smile, there are pictures of me, pictures of Orville's ultrasounds, pictures of Orville stuff, even a video of Orville's heartbeat. I hadn't written much because I was keeping a personal journal at home through the "What to Expect..." journal, so I basically didn't want to share twice. Maybe someday I'll transfer that journal to here. My last entry was today, which was also the last day of my 3rd month. I felt that time was moving so slowly, but 3 months did actually move very fast. I was so happy being pregnant. I haven't been that happy in a long time. Infertility really takes a lot out of a person, and it took a lot out of me, I was back to my old self being pregnant. Everyone thinks I'm so strong, but believe me, I have a lot of "moments," I had a lot of them prior to getting pregnant, I had some at the beginning of the pregnancy and I've had a lot of them in the last 48 hours...since we found out Orville was no longer living.

So, I'll start with "what happened." My doctors at Buffalo IVF gave me an estimated due date of November 29th, I thought my due date would be December 1 or 2 based on Ovulation. With IVF, they don't have a LMP (last menstrual period) date to go by, so they go around the ovulation date instead. They went off the day I took the Ovidrel (ovulation shot), I went by the day I had the egg retrieval (2 days later which would have been when I was ovulating). Anyways, we had an ultrasound on Monday April 30 to see our little Orville, it was the first time we saw limbs, this was so exciting!! I was 9w4d and baby measured around 8w5d, 6 days off, but really I thought only a couple days off based on my own estimate. It can be very common for the baby to measure up to a week or so plus/minus the due date, because they are all estimates. That's pretty much what everything is based on, is estimates. So, no big deal. Baby looks great, moving around, everything!!

Approximately 2 weeks later on Tuesday May 15 (11w5d), we heard the heartbeat for the first time. It was the most wonderful feeling hearing Orville's heart, so much different than just seeing, made it so much more real. It was beating strong at 144 BPM. I didn't know the doctor would listen for the heartbeat, so Casey went to work. I felt so bad that Casey wasn't there, so I recorded it for him. That night, we used our doppler for the first time and after lots of playing around with it, we heard the little heartbeat for a few seconds.

Fast forward 6 days later. On Monday May 21 (12w4d), I had my NT scan at Mercy hospital. My appointment was for 4 pm, but we were supposed to be there a little early to do paperwork. Our drive started out rough, everyone was driving like jackasses! We got to the exit and missed it because the GPS was so confusing, so we took the next exit. We finally got to the hospital and had to find parking, which wasn't all that fun! But, we made it into the office at about 4 pm. After the appointment we were going to go maternity clothes shopping because my clothes are getting way too snug, especially my pants, the belly band is really coming in handy! Anyways, I filled out some paperwork, was asked a million questions and had to get my finger pricked (Oww!) as part of the screening. They want to see how much of the baby's blood is in my blood and it goes with the results of the scan part of the screen. I even told the lady how we were going to do a 3D ultrasound on June 16 for a gender scan and then find out the gender at our gender reveal party on June 18. Anyways, a few minutes more waiting and we get called back to an ultrasound room. It was cool, they even had a big screen up on the wall to watch the ultrasound, I was so excited to see the baby again!

Now, it starts to turn a little bit into a blur, it's hard for me to recall this moment again, but here I am doing it, so others can read my story, so Orville can share "his" story, and so again, my future children know what happened. I crawl up on the table to prepare to see Orville. She even starts asking me about this fancy 3D ultrasound I'll be having in a few weeks and we decide if she can tell the gender to not tell us. She's putting the gel on my tummy and we're chatting, Casey's watching the TV, waiting for Orville to show up. She puts the transducer on my stomach and starts the scan. She's looking and looking, she's zooming in and out. I know what a 12w ultrasound should look like, and I'm not seeing what I think I should be seeing. She starts saying, "oh no," "oh no," "oh hunny," baby is not measuring what it should be. I could see this, all I was seeing was a still little blob :-( She tells me how Baby is only measuring 9w5d and isn't moving like it should be. She's looking for a heartbeat, nothing...nothing is there, no heartbeat. We're so confused, we just heard the heartbeat 6 days ago! She's trying, trying as hard as she can for me, but she cannot find the heartbeat. I'm instantly devastated. She calls the doctor in. He comes in, does the scan, searching and again finds nothing. I had that hope that maybe she was wrong and the doctor would find it, but nothing. Orville no longer had a heartbeat :-( We then made the very long, silent hour drive home to Fredonia. I lost my baby sometime within the last 6 days, but why? Why me? Why us? Why Orville? I'm in a lot of pain, I feel numb, I feel anger. I can't even look down at my belly, I had to cover it up with a sweater on the way home. I feel so much sadness, more sadness than I've ever experienced. I love this baby so much, I never got to hold it, it was barely bigger than an inch long, but I love it so much. After everything we've gone through, all the pain and heartache, why is this happening to us? I don't want to talk to anybody, thankfully people respected that (I thank you all for that)...I'm having a hard time right now, so I'm gonna come back a little later to finish, see ya next paragraph when I'm back...

Okay, I'm back (not that you missed me or even know I was gone for about 3 hours)...so I have THE BEST husband in the entire world. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I can't physically do it at this point. So, being the brave one he is, he made the phone calls, the dreaded phone calls that I'm sure he didn't want to make nor anyone wanted to hear, but they needed to be done. He even went out and picked me up an Arby's chicken salad wrap for dinner, he was happy I was able to eat. I cried, and cried, and cried pretty much on and off all evening. Dr. Osula called me after receiving the results from the hospital, telling me how sorry he was. He told me to call back Tuesday morning to schedule the D&C. It was a very hard night for me. I kept thinking about the phone calls I had to make, cancel the gender ultrasound, cancel the gender reveal party, call Buffalo IVF. How 2012 was suddenly going to be so much different, not being pregnant on my 26th birthday, no baby shower, no more ultrasounds, not having "that moment" of finding out Orville's gender, no more heartbeats, no "baby's first Christmas." In a matter of minutes, everything seemed to be turned upside down. I was so sad and angry when I got home, I put everything I had for Orville away in the nursery, and closed the door. I packed up the tripod and camera that we'd been using for belly pictures. I put the What to Expect books, journal and baby book away. It's too hard to see it right now. I forgot to mention in all this, I have a really annoying cold where I am completely stuffed up...so crying with a stuffy nose makes it even worse. I woke up crying during the night, asking God why? I just don't get it.

Tuesday morning, I obviously stayed home from work, I mean, who wouldn't? I don't want to see or talk to anybody right now. I called Dr. Osula's office first thing in the morning, and got my D&C scheduled for this morning (Wednesday) at 7:30 am. So I pretty much hung out, watched TV, and cried most of the day. We received our first bouquet of flowers which made me cry, but they are so beautiful. I saw an Orville's commercial and broke down. This is going to be hard. I heard a song that made me cry. Anything and everything is reminding me of Orville <3. The Orville who is still in my tummy, but no longer living, and nothing I can do to bring "him" back! Throughout the pregnancy, I have been on Facebook groups for expectant Mom's, they were all of course so supportive and recommended some loss groups to me. I'm now a member of a couple different loss groups and an IVF group, it truly is amazing how much support is out there. I reached out to some of my Buffalo IVF friends, and they have been great. I've been able to text a little bit more but still haven't made a phone call. So it was a long day, I couldn't believe the news I had just received yesterday, I didn't have one sign that Orville was no longer living, my body did not know that my baby was gone, I am still in complete shock. I started a memory box for Orville, I need this keepsake for "him." It will be nice to look in the box. I plan to get the belly pictures developed and put in there as well. "He" was the biggest part of our lives since we got our BFP (Big Fat Positive) 2 months ago and I will always have the stuff to look at, and hopefully make me smile. I went to bed, and surprisingly passed out and slept almost all night (which I never do, I don't think I've ever slept through the night in my whole life!)

We woke up at 5:15 this morning, got ready and went down the road to the hospital. I was okay when we got up this morning. I needed yesterday, yesterday really helped me a lot. The nurse I had at the hospital was the sweetest thing in the world, that really helped! It was hard when she started asking us questions for the fetal death certificate (I didn't even know there was such a thing so early). She never asked a name though :-( When I was being wheeled back to the prep room, it started getting more real. It got harder and harder the closer it got to surgery. I cannot believe this is actually happening, they are physically removing Orville from my womb. I woke up from surgery crying, I physically felt fine, I was emotionally so sad knowing that Orville was officially gone. We asked for the tissue to be tested for chromosomal issues which will in turn tell us the sex. I hope there's enough tissue for the testing, we will know soon enough. I was released from the hospital just after 9 am. I'm thankful the surgery went as well as it was expected. Emotionally was another story, I was now going home with a "pregnant" belly, an empty heart and no baby :-( It's really hard for me having this belly and knowing Orville is no longer in there. We dropped off my 3 prescriptions at Rite Aid and came home. Casey had the day off from work so he was home all day. I never expected this with him being so new to his job, but it worked out. I just hung out most of the day, caught up on some shows, didn't do a whole lot. I was supposed to take it easy today from the surgery. I physically have felt fine all day, which I am very thankful for. We received more flower bouquets which are beautiful, a very heart touching card, and many texts and messages asking me how I'm doing, and checking in on me. I started texting with more people today, I still haven't talked to anyone, I will take each day at a time. There's nothing easy to say or hear in this situation, the wound is very fresh and this is working for me...one step at a time, one day at a time...

So here I am finishing up this post so I can share my experience with the world. We found out just over 2 days ago that Orville no longer had a heartbeat, and I was/am crushed. We will however move forward. Everything happens for a reason right? Orville was simply too beautiful for this world and is loved so much in Heaven and we will never forget our Orville. Here's my last little thought. Orville only did about 1 weeks worth of growing in 3 weeks time. I think that "his" growing was slowing more and more everyday. I do believe that Orville was holding on as long as possible so I could hear "his" heartbeat. I always talked about wanting so badly to hear it and when we did, it was amazing! It was breathtaking, it was the most beautiful thing. I think Orville was holding on for us. I believe "he" loved us and was showing us that by allowing us to hear "his" heartbeat before he passed, I will be forever grateful for being able to hear that strong, beating heart <3 "An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And whispered as she closed the book 'too beautiful for earth'" - Thanks for sending me this Lisa, I love this so much!


I'll end with a quote a dear IF friend sent me "I never held you, but I feel you. You never spoke, but I hear you. I never knew you, but I love you." So very, very true. Check out the poem I posted a few days ago that another dear IF friend send me, really pulls at the heart strings. Please also look at the beautiful flowers I've received, I've posted everything in my blog. Thank you all for your continuous love, prayers and support. They are greatly needed and appreciated. <3 A big thank you especially to my wonderful husband, Casey. I LOVE YOU sooo much, thank you for always being there for me <3