The pain of Infertility Explained

For those that struggle with infertility, it many times can be hard for others to understand. Even if you've had/have children, are pregnant, have been pregnant, etc., you will always be someone who has gone through infertility and someone who feels the pain that infertility leaves. In browsing through my FB groups on my lunch hour today, I found this and thought that this describes infertility better than anything else I've seen...

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

Remembering Orville Guest Post

There's this amazing couple, Candace & Chris that write a blog called Our Misconception. They've been struggling with infertility for far too long! I've gotten to know Candace through an IVF group on Facebook. She had 3 guest authors this week for Pregnancy & infant awareness loss month. I got the opportunity to write a post for her blog. I used the post I wrote the day of my D&C when I lost Orville. I cut it down as much as I could and she posted it yesterday. I've gotten such amazing feedback on the post and I'm sure she got a lot of page views from it. It's a very raw, truthful post. I know many of my followers read the original post, but if you'd like to read the version I edited for my guest post, I'd love for you to check it out here: Remember Orville. I especially love the picture she chose for the post. Thanks again for all the love and support <3

9w4d Ultrasound!!

I had my official dating ultrasound with Southtown's Radiology this past Tuesday & it was amazing!! Baby Astry was measuring right on what we should be measuring at 9w4d. Baby was moving all around, it was amazing! The tech told me that I have a very active baby & everything looked great! The HB was in the 170s and she even played the sound of the heart beating away for me, it was so wonderful! I'm now 10w1d. Everything has been going great. I am so exhausted and feel best when I get 9-10 hours of sleep each night! Granted I do get up "a million times" each night caused my insomnia and my freakishly small bladder haha! I have this amazing boppy pregnancy pillow that I highly recommend!! I'm so glad I spent the money on it! Casey even wants one! Haha. I've been quite nauseous in the mornings, but I'm good once I eat :) Sometimes I get it during the day if I get too hungry! I was surprised the 1st time I nauseous as I didn't have it last time, definitely a good sign for this pregnancy. Oh and I've been craving sweets like crazy, which is very unlike me normally!! I've started drinking fruit/veggie smoothies to get fruits/veggies in during the day, they're actually really good!! And that's my update! See some pictures below :)

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness

In October 1988, President Ronald Reagan proclaimed October as national pregnancy & infant loss awareness month. October 15 is a day where grieving parents can come together. A "wave of light" is done at 7 pm to remember our angels by lighting a candle. Tonight at 7 pm both Casey & I each lit a candle to remember Orville who we'll always love & miss. I am also going to be a guest blogger on a friends blog sometime in the next 2 weeks talking about the loss. The post is basically a repeat post with some editing. It was definitely emotional reading through the post and bringing up those emotions. I will share as soon as the post is up! Lastly, I broke 20,000 views on my blog! Woohoo never imagined having such an impact on others!! Thank you to everyone who reads my posts. Below are the candles we lit tonight. RIP Orville <3

Last RE Appointment/Ultrasound

Today was my final appointment at Buffalo IVF. It's very bittersweet but they've done their job & it's time for us to part ways. I will miss all the nurses and doctors as they've been so great to us over the last 18 months. But, time to move forward. My first OB appointment is on October 15 at Omni OBGYN in Hamburg. I found the 1st doctor that ever prescribed me fertility meds at this group. His name is Dr Bitar and I first met him 2 years ago right before he left Dr Persaud's office. I'm excited to go to a group. Ill see three different OB's, a NP & a CNN if I want too. As far as I know, they deliver at Women's and Children's hospital in buffalo. I know it's a far drive, so hopefully I don't suddenly going into labor when it's time. I am looking forward to my first appointment & meeting the people at the office. That's it for now. Below is a picture from today's scan. Baby is measuring great, has a heartbeat of 166 & the doctors are very happy, as are we :)

Drum Roll Please!!

On September 10, I got the most amazing phone call...I'm pregnant!! I had 3 blood draws on Monday, Wednesday & Friday of that week & my numbers rose beautifully!! They more than doubled every 48 hours. I had my first ultrasound on Tuesday September 18 where we got to see 1 beautiful gestational sac, a clear yolk sac & a tiny little baby!! It's such a good feeling seeing that. My 2nd ultrasound was today September 27. We got to see Baby Astry's heartbeat for the first time! It was moving all over the place, even more of an amazing feeling. The heartbeat measured at 122 bests per minute which is great!! We are ecstatic! I am 6w6d, so 7 weeks pregnant tomorrow! I've been meaning to update my blog but am finally getting to it after our great news today!! I'll start uploading pictures from the last few weeks as well. Below the top ultrasound pictures is from today and the bottom one is the one from last Tuesday. Thanks again to everyone for all of their support, thoughts & prayers, they are all greatly appreciated!!

The Two Week Wait

Ahh the two week wait (2ww), anyone whose seriously trying to have a baby or going through the infertility process knows exactly what the 2ww is. Sometimes the 2ww is shorter or longer than 2 weeks depending on what you end up doing or what the doctors end up deciding. Either way, it's complete torture. The 2ww is the time between ovulation and "Aunt Flow (AF)" (your period)/positive pregnancy test. For those going through IVF the 2ww can be the time between the egg retrieval or embryo transfer and whenever your doctor decides to do the test. During this dreaded wait, you over-analyze every little thing! Even if it's something that literally happens every day, all of a sudden you're wondering if it's a pregnancy symptom. It is complete mind torture. It's a mind game, that's what it is, for me I play a mind game with myself for most of the 2ww, it's hard not too, especially if you've been through it before and have actually gotten a positive. Also, progesterone can mess with your "symptoms" as well, it can make you believe you have pregnancy symptoms when really, they're symptoms from your daily hormones.

Here are some of the mind games that happen:

• All of a sudden you notice a funny smell, yup you must be pregnant. 
• OMG you have an upset stomach, that's definitely a pregnancy symptom (even though you're prone to upset stomachs), but it's different this time.
• You're cramping...now this one goes back and forth. One second you're pregnant, the next you're fully convinced that this didn't work and you're going to have to do this all over again.
• You get a 5 second burst of heartburn, yup you must be pregnant because you only get heartburn when you're pregnant.
• You get a headache every day for a few days, that's definitely a pregnancy symptom.
• And the list goes on...

Sounds fun, huh? On top of all the "symptoms," I refuse to take a home pregnancy test. I am one of a minority here as many TTC (trying to conceive) people are POAS (pee-on-a-stick) addicts! They start testing the second they inject the trigger (which contains HCG) so they can see when the HCG leaves their system, so they know for real when they get a positive. I stopped POAS a LONG time ago! I got so sick of "being slapped in the face twice" (negative test, then AF), that I decided to stop using them all together. So while I'm analyzing every little thing, I refuse to POAS. So it's truly a waiting game. The day of beta (HCG blood draw) is the longest day of your life. Time moves slower than you could ever imagine because you honestly have no clue what to expect. You've convinced yourself so many times you're pregnant, then convinced yourself so many times that you're not pregnant, that you honestly don't know what's going to happen. So you continue wondering until you get the phone call...did it work? or did it not work? Only time will tell...